Things I Love Today

This:

This:

This:

Much love,

Em

The Struggle Bus

The struggle bus isn't so much feeling defeated and tired and deprived of every good thing and yet are forced to move on with life. It's a place to recover when all that happens. The struggle bus is a safe place to look out the window, know the Lord is good, and when you're ready to be on your on two feet walking out your path, you can.

And that is the vehicle I have been riding the past four days. Every insecurity I ever thought I may have was confirmed on Friday. The feeling of defeat is sitting on my heart. My friends are broken and my dreams are fading and failure feels inevitable. On this struggle bus, I'm passing that afternoon when I was nine and it was cold. My mother picked me from carpool and we went home, swaddled ourselves in blankets, and drank hot chocolate. The feeling of total comfort and peace exists. I know it, I've felt it. It just happens to be absent right now.

The bus seat in front of me has all kinds of grafitti torn into it by Swiss Army knives and pencils: "Jeremy was here," "Life Happens," "I <3 John." The notes of my predecessors, who are probably frolicking in some distant field. I imagine they turn their heads just enough so I can hear them say "It's possible."

Because it is. Living in the romance of the past is atrophy, living in the romance of the future is deception.

Victoria Park, Guess Where 

This place exists. The rumble of this bus goes on and on because as long as the bus exists, we know that there is a place to recover. We know that recovery is possible.

Much love,

Em

Friday Fears

This week I entered a house filled with beer bottles, beer yet to be consumed, cigarette packs, and pounds of free coffee. I do not know what these men's aspirations are, but currently they work at Starbucks/Panera/Caribou. And my stomach did backflips, because right now I am staring my future in the face and have this gnawing fear of wasting my potential. I will have a college degree and the world (kind of) at my feet and I could waste all of my potential. Work at Starbucks. Forever. Giving away bags of coffee while watching all the things I have ever hoped I could do or all the things I legitimately could be go down the drain. I will be stuck. I will be unfulfilled. I will have wasted everything.

Or.

Kelvingrove, Stupidly Happy

I could apply for jobs (which I have been) and have a plan (which I do) and be going after my dreams (which I am) and just see what happens when you jump off the cliff. 

I had dinner with a friend the other week and we were talking about our future plans. He said it is really strange to have these plans and to realize as you're approaching them "Hey, this might not work out." But I think we're just young enough for it to be okay to take a running leap off of the cliff. Because they might work out or you might work at Starbucks, but I would like to know that I tried. So here I am. Trying.

There's a River Runs Through Glasgow

Much love,

Em

Things I Love Today

I am sick. I have class. Tomorrow is a midterm. This is what gets me through the day:

Amy Poehler always wins. Period.

This legit making-of video about Volcano Choir's latest album.

This song is on repeat.

Much love,

Em

They Love Each Other. There Is No Loneliness Like Theirs.

So, on Friday I had three different plans for this weekend. The last one won out, and in thirty minutes I packed, hopped in a car, and ended up in Neenah, Wisconsin with three of my dearest friends. There were three things for my to do list: laundry, rest, work.

Rest

Breaks typically give me a space to zoom out, take a couple of adventures, and think about priorities. Am I living the fullest life possible?

I have no idea. I can sing the entirety of The Sound of Music from beginning to end right now, but I have no idea if I am actually climbing every mountain and turning over every stone. I'm a little obsessed with the idea of dreams right now, of how God gives people literal dreams, figurative dreams, and how we cast our own. I find myself crying while watching Pocahontas (which should surprise 100% of no one who knows me): Or do you still wait for me Dream Giver/ Just around the river bend.

Cheesy, yeah. 

True, yeah.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Ps. 37:4


When I was in Glasgow, I was talking with my small group leader Roxy about how unsure I was about trusting my love for the city. Because when you love something, you know you're not exactly right in the head. You're just wrapped up in the mystery of how your beloved breathes, whistles, walks across the street. That mystery clouds all good judgment with a beautiful mist that is wonderful, but also causes widespread car wrecks. Roxy said "He gives you the desires of your heart for a reason." Trusting my heart is a little like walking on a log across a river: one unsure step at a time, aware of the rush of water, hoping the solid ground comes soon.

Suddenly I realize that if I stepped out of my body I would burst into blossom -James Wright

But after a weekend of reviewing how my life is going, I feel settled. If climbing every mountain is finding a dream that will need all the love I can give, then I can honestly say that I am giving all of the love in me right now. My heart is swollen with love for my friends, my parents, my brothers, my mentors, the leaves on the ground, the snowflakes about the fall, I am sure that I would burst if more was added to me. For which I am profoundly grateful. There were no revelations this weekend. I saw a beautiful city with dear people, God reminded me of His beauty and faithfulness, and I return to school with a bag of clean clothes, an empty to-do list, and a refreshed heart ready for the next dream.

Much love, 

Em

Aren't they great?

Bright & Beautiful

A friend asked me yesterday if I kept a blog. I said yes, but I was ashamed, and so I've decided to re-curate this guy. A small dream of mine is to have an online publication, to have my friends as contributors and make something truly amazing that we can keep. I like new creative projects, but in order to start this other thing, I've decided that I need to learn how to be disciplined enough to keep up one of these blogs. So here I am.

I'm Emilea. I've seen You've Got Mail two to three times every year. I love poetry but I am studying International Relations at a Christian college in Chicago. This summer I went to Glasgow, Scotland asking the Lord if it was the place for me and I'm pretty sure He said yes, so I will have days where I miss Glasgow so much my heart hurts and I have no idea whether being a missionary in a place I love is a good idea, but here I am. Going for it. I want to write, make art with people I love, change policy, and make Glasgow a better city.

This blog will mainly detail my hilarious life. I am the least graceful person you have ever met. Today, in public, I admitted to how hard core I stalk my crush-from-afar. (In case anyone wasn't there and is curious, I know his new photos, I have a playlist of things he's been listening to recently because we have the exact same taste in music, I know what he's posted and posts that he likes on Facebook. It's not healthy. I am so aware. And yet...).

So, read this if you want to feel better about your life. Read this if you want to know how God shows Himself to me and others. Read this if you want a lot of Parks & Rec/ New Girl/ The Weepies/ random movie references.

Much love,
Em